Change Of Heart (Orig Post Date 10/8/10)

If you’ve been following along with my posts the past few months, you know that my family will be growing by two feet soon, and I haven’t exactly been doing back flips. This baby was a surprise, to say the least, and for the past several months it has been the source of much stress and anxiety. That is, when it’s not a surreal notion that I’m not able to fully wrap my mind around.


I have struggled. I’ve had extreme emotional swings. I’ve learned a lot about myself. I’ve also revealed a lot to my husband, bringing us closer than we have ever been in nearly twelve years together.


After a little scare last week and a trip to labor and delivery for a non-stress test, things kind of jelled. I had distanced myself from this baby for so long that even with daily movement, VBAC classes, and birth preparation classes, it took a potential problem for that critical emotional connection to click on.


I did a complete emotional one-eighty in less than one second.


After speaking with our midwife, and making the decision that a non-stress test was the best course of action, I called H (my husband) to let him know what was going on. I had been strong and detached during the conversation with our midwife. With H, I broke down completely.


The thought that something could actually be wrong brought my baby to life in my heart.


At some level, the baby has always been there. He was there when I was cursing the hormones that caused morning sickness to hang on well into the third trimester when it should have stopped by the end of the first.


He was there when the same hormones caused me to become overly emotional at a funeral for an in-law that I didn’t really know. He was there when I got weepy over every scene in the final week of my favorite soap before it went off the air.


He was there in so many ways, but he had yet to crack the emotional barrier I had set up.


After one class, where H had a huge revelation about just how important the actual birth and bonding process is to both mother and baby, I felt the urge to unload my biggest fears and worries while he was still in a receptive frame of mind. I’m so glad that I followed that urge. He listened to my concerns, and was uncharacteristically reassuring.


I think his words helped to crack that emotional barrier, but it took that scare, that whisper of distress, to really break through.


I’m making a conscious effort to interact with this baby every day, now. Mostly I just talk to him. He’s not a mover like his sister was. I was able to play games with her. He seems to respond better to conversation than physical stimulation (which gives me hope that he’ll be more like me than his father or sister).


I’ve reached a Zen place of sorts. I’m feeling some anticipation, and even some excitement, when I think about meeting this new little human. That’s a far cry from the dread and despair I felt for months after I saw that second line appear on a home pregnancy test.


I’m coming to terms with the change that is quickly coming to our family. I’m not fully there yet, but hopefully I will be soon.


Getting there before the baby gets here would be nice.