Last weekend I was back in Pennsylvania for my 15 year high school reunion.
I was not popular in high school. Not even a little. I didn't really fit in with any group, and while I had a few friends, we really didn't hang out together at school because I didn't fit in their group.
Still, when I got the email a few months ago announcing plans for our 15 year reunion, I thought, "This will be fun. I'll go and see people who I've maybe only seen on Facebook, if at all since graduation."
Let's just say things didn't go as planned.
Friday night there was a baseball game planned, then apps and social hour at a local bar. I walked into both events and recognized less than five people. And only one or two were people I would even consider talking to.
Imagine my disappointment, sitting in a bar, alone save for my husband, surrounded by about 50 people I spent four years with, and only one person talked to me. One person. And I think it was out of pity.
Still, I didn't feel that bad. Most of the people I didn't recognize, and those that I did were total ass hats in high school. No, I didn't feel bad about it... Until the next morning.
It's one thing to think you're still the same loser you were in high school, it's something else to have your spouse know it and tell your mum how bad they feel for you. I can't really describe the emotions I felt when I over heard Robert telling my mum how bad he felt for me. Honestly, I don't remember feeling anything like that in high school. Hurt, embarrassment, shame...
And we still had two more events on Saturday. Yea.
I thought that once high school was over, once you grew up and had a family, once you knew who you were as a person, once you didn't need to get your self worth through the approval of others because you are now a strong confident individual who is happy with their life... Well, I guess what I thought and what was reality were two different things.
This shouldn't surprise me. Honestly, I've never really seen things the way they actually are. I've always put my own filter on the situation. Focused on the good and ignored the bad (well, as much as I possibly could, and just hid from it when I couldn't ignore it any longer.)
I like my filter better than reality.
And fuck you if you want me to see it differently.
Oh, and we completely missed the picnic Saturday morning (I guess a lot of people took off right after the fundraiser walk) and the dinner Saturday night was a total fail. Only forty of the over 500+ kids from our class showed up.
I left the house determined to have a nice date with my husband. Everyone sat in their little cliques at dinner, and I was facing a dinner at a table with just me and Robert again, but a classmate who I barely knew in school saved me from humiliation again. Thanks, Rob. You are still just as sweet as you were in high school, and your girl friend is pretty fun to talk to, too.
Once dinner was over, I met some real friends from high school at a bar just a few doors down, got all kinds of drunk, verbally harassed a kid that insisted he graduated with us, but no one can remember him (turns out he did graduate with us, but he was only in our school for our senior year), had a blast visiting with old friends, and made a few new ones (not the kid that no one remembers, that dude was annoying!)
Rocky start to the weekend? Yes.
Will I be back for the 20 year? Most likely.
Will I pay for the dinner again? Not sure.
Am I glad I didn't give up this time, and went to the bar even though I felt like shit emotionally by the end of the dinner? HELL YES!
That was the most fun I'd had in a long time. I did feel rather old that I called it a night at a little after midnight, but in my defense, the evening started at 5 pm. That's a lot of drinking for me.
Oh, and I'm keeping my filter firmly in place thankyouverymuch.
|My best childhood friend Colleen, Myself, and Robert|