Cat Down

Roxi Kitty

I lost a family member this week.

She was getting up there in years, and I knew the end was creeping in, but I was no more ready for her passing with that knowledge.

It seemed to happen suddenly and slowly all at the same time.

In preparation for this post, I went through all the pictures I had of her, happy memories mingled with tears as I chose some of my favorite images of her.

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my brother's 31st birthday.

He died nearly two and a half years ago, and I still miss him. I still get that horrible tightness in my chest and the, now familiar, sting in my eyes every time I see a picture of him or think about him.

I've stopped asking when that will go away. I don't think it ever will.

I can't change what happened. I can't go back in time and call him more often or take his keys away. So I do the only thing I can. I remember him.

Calvin with my oldest daughter (his niece) Makaya in August 2004

Calvin William Allen Skinner

August 11, 1980 - April 17, 2009

Makaya Simone

Happy birthday my sweet baby girl!

Seven years ago, you took your first breath...

...And my world hasn't been the same since.

It seems like I blinked and you were already walking and talking.

Pretty soon, you were a year old.

As the years flew by, time seemed to pick up speed as if it were a ball rolling down a steep hill.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

Oh...

Wow. It's a little hard to breathe, give me a minute.

My sweet baby girl is seven. The angriest of midgets, is almost a second grader. 

I am so proud of the person you are and I need to tell you that more often. You are so grown up and capable of so much. I see your endless energy and potential every time I look at you, and I see your vast ability to love everyone and everything every time I see you with your baby sister. You are my first baby and you will always be my sweet baby girl, no matter what you do, where you go, or how old you are.

I love you, Squnnie. All the way to the moon...and back.

Love,

Mama

Chasing Rabbits And Herding Cats

If you chase two rabbits, both will escape.
- Unknown Author

This has been the story of my life the past few weeks. I've written about it on here before, and thankfully things have slowed down quite a bit since that morning when I drove off without my daughter.

Sadly, I realized the other day that Little W is 6 months old. Six months. Half of her first year of life has already passed me by. The time when she will change the most, grow the most, has already happened. It went so quickly, and I don't feel like I really got the chance to enjoy it.

I desperately want to roll the clock back and trade all those stupid PTA meetings and events for more time with her. All the waisted hours making phone calls instead of just sitting and enjoying nursing her or just holding her.

I knew it would go fast. I knew I wouldn't remember everything, and yet, I still didn't manage to find the time to take more pictures or videos of her. Other than a few very dark pictures from the day she was born, I really don't have any pictures of her and I together as a newborn.

I feel pretty lucky that this time around I've managed to hold the PPD at bay, but I find myself wondering if it isn't starting to creep in. I also wonder if my heart is trying to talk my brain into a third baby, something that just isn't in the cards.

I think I'm having such a hard time with Little W growing up because I know that she will be the last baby I nurse, the last baby I snuggle and coo to that is just mine. Someday I'll have grandbabies (probably), but that's different.

I had difficulty coming to terms with my pregnancy when I was carrying Little W. I found myself wishing everything away. I was so busy worrying about how it was all going to work out that I missed out on the joy. I didn't take the time to just stop and enjoy the feeling of life growing inside me. Now I look back and think, "What I wouldn't give to have just one more day of my pregnancy back."

This is all new emotional ground for me. With The Angry Midget, I didn't have all these regrets, I didn't have the sense of loss as she grew older. For a long time I planned to have more children, and I figured that if I missed something, there was always the next one. I think some of that might have been the PPD talking. It made it hard for me to connect with The Angry Midget, and it made it really hard to feel anything in general.

Now I know that this is my last shot, and I don't want to miss anything.

But I've already missed six months.

Our Cloth Diaper Journey--The First Test

Hello Lovelies!



Well, I don’t know how many of you know this, but R and I have made the decision to do cloth diapers with our second daughter W. I had really wanted to do cloth with our first, but we just couldn’t manage to make the initial cost work with our budget. This time, tax season came at just the right time, and helped us take the plunge.


We have been in cloth for about three weeks now, maybe four, and so far so good. One of the last days in disposables resulted in not one but two outfit changes for little W because her diaper blew out all down her leg. I can honestly say that she has not had to change an outfit because of a blow out, and I have not had to soak any of her clothes to make sure they don’t stain, and trust me, her output amount has not changed.


Tomorrow will be the beginning of the first real test of my cloth diapering skills though. Tomorrow, M, W, and I will all be heading out to my Mum’s house in PA. That’s a 13 hour trip by car stretched out over two days. Just me, a six year old, and a 4 month old, in a car for two days. Lord help me.


Now, you may be asking yourself: Why is she doing a blog post at 1:40 AM when she has a huge road trip ahead of her? Good question. I would like to take this opportunity to suggest that you not get sick with massive infections in your ears, sinuses, eye and throat the week before you plan to leave town on a road trip. It really messes up your schedule. Add to that the fact that I have once again over extended myself with my PTA commitments and a fundraiser that while hugely successful, is also hugely time consuming, and that’s how I am still up at nearly 2 AM waiting on laundry.


*Sigh*


So.


Yeah.


So far, our cloth journey has been great. I’ve found some great diapers that I really like, and some that I don’t really care for (unfortunately, I bought two of those before I realized that I don’t really like them.)


I’m currently waiting on an order form Blissful Booty Cloth Diapers (you can go to their store here and find them on Facebook here.) I was hoping that they would arrive before we had to leave, but sadly they are not here yet (the package will probably arrive tomorrow afternoon.) I look forward to trying those out especially since they have some of my favorite features. Watch for a review in the next two weeks.


I’ll also be doing reviews of the diapers I’ve tried so far (good and bad, or maybe I should say ones I liked, and ones that weren’t what I needed or was looking for.)


I think I just heard the washer buzz, so I’ll end it here for now.


I’ll update tomorrow on how the first day on the road went.


Wish me luck. I’ll need it.

Be Careful What You Wish For… (Orig Post Date 4/13/10)

…Because you just might get it.

How many of you have heard that from your mom at some point in your life? Yeah, me too. I honestly didn’t put much thought into it until about eight years ago. Then I pushed it from my head, thinking it was just a coincidence. Then it happened again. Sad thing is it never seems to work on the million dollars I wish for, or the contest that wins me a new house, or even just improvements on my current house.


Maybe it’s the power of the human mind, maybe it’s the strength of the human spirit, maybe it’s the strength of a person’s belief in a higher being, whether that being is a religious figure or a spiritual figure, or maybe it’s something else entirely that we have yet to discover. Whatever it is, I have found in my case that it picks and chooses which wishes to listen to. Often times, like a crabby genie, it twists and distorts the actual wish so it comes true, but not exactly the way I had hoped.


What have you been able to wish into being? Did it turn out the way you wanted, or was it distorted in a way that caused a feeling of regret? Do you feel it was simply coincidence, the power of your own mind or spirit, or some higher power that helped bring your wish to fruition?