Cat Down

Roxi Kitty

I lost a family member this week.

She was getting up there in years, and I knew the end was creeping in, but I was no more ready for her passing with that knowledge.

It seemed to happen suddenly and slowly all at the same time.

In preparation for this post, I went through all the pictures I had of her, happy memories mingled with tears as I chose some of my favorite images of her.

In Remembrance

Yesterday was the three year anniversary of my brother's passing. This is becoming my annual post in his honor. Time hasn't made it hurt any less. The wound is still jagged and raw.

I've always felt that as long as you tell stories about a loved one who has passed, then they really haven't died because their memory and spirit lives in those stories and remembrances. In that vein, I'm re-posting the speech that I wrote for Calvin's funeral service.

Calvin with Makaya. 

This past week, I've thought a lot about my brother.  I’ve remembered wild stunts, crazy stories, long lost friends and enemies, and I've finally gotten the back story on so many jokes.  But I sadly realized just how little I really knew about my own brother.  We had our rough patches growing up.  It’s inevitable when you are as close as we were.  But as we got older, the petty childhood bickering faded into the past, and we would talk more.  Never about anything serious or deep, just about day to day life and our kids.  We would talk for hours about nothing at all, but somehow the conversation would always get back to his girls. 

 Cal loved children, especially his girls.  They are his pride and joy.  The true loves of his life, and he would do anything for them.  The last time I went to see him, he showed me a playhouse he had built for Gabby.  It was wonderful!  It had real windows, a light inside, and a little covered porch.  It was a masterpiece and a perfect example of his talent.  He had built it from scraps of this and leftovers of that.  Gabby was so proud of the little house that her daddy had built, she couldn’t wait to show it off.  That was one thing she definitely got from her daddy, Pride. 

 Cal was always so proud of his family and friends.  He loved everyone, and it was almost impossible not to love him back.  Don’t get me wrong.  There were times when you really weren’t happy with him, but you always loved him, and you knew that he always loved you too.  He was always ready with a good strong hug.  A “Love ya, Sis.”  Mum says he always gave the best hugs, and it’s true.  He could have taught a class on it.  They were always just right. 

 Though we talked now and then on the phone, it was always in the back of my mind, “I should call Cal and see what he’s up to,” but it would get put off.  There were errands to run, chores to do.  My regret is that I didn’t make the time to call my little brother more often, just to say “Hi”.  I let life get in the way. 

Last week things changed.  Priorities were shifted.  Despite the prayers of thousands, God felt it was time for Calvin to come home.  Friday morning he slipped peacefully through the gates into the arms of loved ones who had gone before him.  They will be catching up on all those wonderful hugs that I'm sure they missed. 

 I know the full reality of this has not hit me yet.  It may not for a while.  But I also know that someday I too will pass through those gates, as we all will, and Cal will be there, arms open, ready to give me one of his wonderful hugs.

Calvin with his daughter Gabby

I keep waiting for the day I can look at a picture of him and not feel that tight pain in my chest. I keep pictures and reminders of him around the house because even though they hurt, they also help me remember. 

I would rather remember and hurt than feel nothing and forget.

You are dearly missed little brother. Missed and loved.

Happy Birthday

Today would have been my brother's 31st birthday.

He died nearly two and a half years ago, and I still miss him. I still get that horrible tightness in my chest and the, now familiar, sting in my eyes every time I see a picture of him or think about him.

I've stopped asking when that will go away. I don't think it ever will.

I can't change what happened. I can't go back in time and call him more often or take his keys away. So I do the only thing I can. I remember him.

Calvin with my oldest daughter (his niece) Makaya in August 2004

Calvin William Allen Skinner

August 11, 1980 - April 17, 2009

Makaya Simone

Happy birthday my sweet baby girl!

Seven years ago, you took your first breath...

...And my world hasn't been the same since.

It seems like I blinked and you were already walking and talking.

Pretty soon, you were a year old.

As the years flew by, time seemed to pick up speed as if it were a ball rolling down a steep hill.

One...

Two...

Three...

Four...

Five...

Six...

Seven...

Oh...

Wow. It's a little hard to breathe, give me a minute.

My sweet baby girl is seven. The angriest of midgets, is almost a second grader. 

I am so proud of the person you are and I need to tell you that more often. You are so grown up and capable of so much. I see your endless energy and potential every time I look at you, and I see your vast ability to love everyone and everything every time I see you with your baby sister. You are my first baby and you will always be my sweet baby girl, no matter what you do, where you go, or how old you are.

I love you, Squnnie. All the way to the moon...and back.

Love,

Mama

Introduction

Ok, you may not believe this, but just a few weeks ago, I had never bloged before. Ever. In my entire life. Shocking I know, but try to calm yoursef so that you can continue reading.

I'm now starting my second blog because flotsom and jetsom from my life was getting in the way of me being able to post on my exercise blog. Here I can vent about the general unfairness of life, and get it all out of my system then switch to my fitness blog and post about how awesome my workout was and how many calories I burned in one hour on the treadmill. I'll have plenty of time to do lots of posting since I was just released from my job today. Oh yes, you will hear all about that soon enough...