Blame It On CBS and KCCI (Orig Post Date 4/21/10)

This is my husband’s theory anyway. What are we blaming on the national and local television stations? The fact that our family will grow by one this November. What is the basis for this line of thought? Twelve years of successful birth control with the same method came to a screeching halt when I was offered a position as a Local Voice. At that time on KCCI, there were three ladies pregnant, on the CBS Early Show there were two, and there are two sitcoms on CBS that feature a pregnant character. Coincidence? Maybe. I have a feeling that due to the harsh winter we had all across the country; there will be a huge boom in the population this fall. So while my husband is blaming the national and local stations, I’m sure there are other husbands out there who are blaming Old Man Winter or Mother Nature.

Logically, I know it’s just proof that no birth control is ever 100% effective, but as so often happens, the logical side of your brain doesn’t always mesh with the emotional or superstitious side. Aside from getting the position with KCCI, I also gave away all of the baby items from when my daughter was little. Everything. The swing, the crib, the bouncer, it was all gone, and honestly, it was a relief. It felt good to give all that to someone who I knew needed it, would take care of it, and would put it to good use.


So where does that leave me? Expecting a second baby six years after my last one was born, and starting from scratch again. Is it acceptable to have a baby shower? I know that usually you only get one, but what’s the rule on a surprise arrival after you’ve given everything away? I’ve already had friends back East offer to have a shower for me, and friends here in Des Moines have offered as well. I count myself very lucky to have such wonderful friends.


Have you ever noticed how pregnancy is contagious? Not contagious in the traditional sense like the flu or the plague, but when one pregnancy is announced, or noticed, it’s not too much longer before another one comes to light, then another and another. Is it because there’s just a cycle or ebb and flow to life and the creation thereof, or is it something more primal? Is it that we as women are hardwired to want to create life? I know that there are some women who have no desire to have children of any kind ever, and there are women who seem obsessed with being pregnant and giving birth to child after child. Those are extremes of course, but there is a wide range between those extremes. Is there something in a woman’s brain that is triggered by seeing a pregnant belly, something that causes a woman to yearn for a baby when she sees that big beautiful belly on another woman? I know I felt that longing when I would see a pregnant woman or a brand new baby, especially after my miscarriage. Even after I had a little girl of my own I would still feel that pull, that tug of something deep down inside. Even after I was sure I didn’t want any more kids, after my husband and I decided that one was enough (sometimes more than enough), I still felt a twinge somewhere around the region of my heart whenever I was faced with the proof of someone else’s procreation. Was it just the remembrance of what I once had, or was it that wiring telling me “You shouldn’t be done yet”?


I guess no one ever really knows for sure. I know I was done. Sure, I still got the twinges and longings. I even felt it when Katie Ward made her announcement a few months ago, but I was sure I was done with babies. I was so sure I gave everything baby away.


Then I caught pregnant too.

Be Careful What You Wish For… (Orig Post Date 4/13/10)

…Because you just might get it.

How many of you have heard that from your mom at some point in your life? Yeah, me too. I honestly didn’t put much thought into it until about eight years ago. Then I pushed it from my head, thinking it was just a coincidence. Then it happened again. Sad thing is it never seems to work on the million dollars I wish for, or the contest that wins me a new house, or even just improvements on my current house.


Maybe it’s the power of the human mind, maybe it’s the strength of the human spirit, maybe it’s the strength of a person’s belief in a higher being, whether that being is a religious figure or a spiritual figure, or maybe it’s something else entirely that we have yet to discover. Whatever it is, I have found in my case that it picks and chooses which wishes to listen to. Often times, like a crabby genie, it twists and distorts the actual wish so it comes true, but not exactly the way I had hoped.


What have you been able to wish into being? Did it turn out the way you wanted, or was it distorted in a way that caused a feeling of regret? Do you feel it was simply coincidence, the power of your own mind or spirit, or some higher power that helped bring your wish to fruition?

Tranquility Lost (Orig Post Date 4/1/10)

There was a break-in today. On my street. Two doors down from my house. At 9:30 in the morning. Broad daylight. The filthy little bastards boldly propped the front door open and cleaned the place out. The best part? A neighbor across the street saw it all and didn’t think that she needed to call the police. Thought it was perfectly normal to see a bunch of punk kids loading several large flat panel TV’s into the back of a gray car along with several other items, then drive off down the street with the door on the car hanging open because the TV was too big to fit in the backseat.

Really? Not even the faintest glimmer that there was something wrong with that situation? Her response to the police for not calling while the robbery was in progress: “They always have so many cars coming and going from their place. I just didn’t think anything of it.”


Well, she has one part right: she didn’t think.


Have we as a society checked out of the obligation to check up on each other? To keep an eye out for evil doers? For wrongs against our fellow man? Have we all just collectively and silently agreed to turn a blind eye, to ignore a crime in progress, because we don’t want to get involved? To come up with a weak excuse when our lack of action is questioned by the victim or the authorities?


Having been on the victim side of that situation - not once, but twice (the second time just a few months ago) - the feeling of violation, of helplessness and anger is all consuming. It haunts you at night. It makes you wake at 2 AM, sure you heard something outside. In some cases, it makes you consider buying extra protection for your home, for your family.


Why do these people feel that it is their right to walk into someone else’s home, and just take what they want? Why do they think it’s ok to take from someone who has worked hard to earn the money to afford those things, when they apparently have not? When caught, will they reason it away that they were let go from their job, and had to resort to stealing from others to provide for their family? Will we, as a society, then go easier on them because they were just doing what they felt they had to? I certainly hope not.


However, I fear that this kind of thing will become more and more prevalent in the coming weeks and months. As the weather warms, home invasions rise. Combine that with the recession finally truly starting to affect Iowa, just in time for the extension on unemployment benefits to expire, and you have the perfect mix to create a major crime wave.


Get ready Iowa, the ripple effect is already in motion. It’s just a matter of time before it touches you.

Brutality in the delivery room (Orig Post Date: 3/10/10)

Hello uLocal members and Local Voices fans. This being my first post, I really wanted to ease you all into my style, but it seems that the greater forces out there had other plans. Eventually you will get to see the post I was originally going to put up, but right now I have something I need to get off my chest.

 A woman’s options for the birth of her child in Des Moines are appalling. Activist groups are making strides for more rights for midwives and for reasons that, quite frankly, make me sick to my stomach, they are running into more opposition than the pro same sex marriage folks. Unfortunately, you don’t hear about the opposition because birthing options are not as news worthy as Gay and Lesbian marriages, and birthing options don’t make for good campaign speech fodder. Unless you are directly related to the issue either as the expectant mother, a care provider, or the spouse or family member of the expectant mother, you are most likely unaware of the current climate. It is very hard to get any support or coverage for birthing rights and options for women.


You, as the patient and expectant mother, are just expected to blindly trust your obstetrician. To believe that he or she will make the best decisions for you and your baby, go to the hospital like a good little patient, lay on your back, let them bully you and tell you that you’re doing something wrong and that’s why X part of labor isn’t going according to the textbooks, and that now a Cesarean Section is the right thing to do. That the C-section is saving you and your baby, and you should be grateful to your doctor because they are rescuing you from this horrible situation.


Are there cases where a C-section is necessary? Sure. Are there cases where a C-section is done and it is absolutely unnecessary; when the mother simply needed time to work through the stall in her labor? You better believe it!


Anyone who doesn’t believe that there are doctors out there that are only in it for the money are just lying to themselves. A local midwife told me about a conversation she had with an ob/gyn shortly after moving to the area. He flat out told her that he wasn’t in it for the joy of catching babies, or to help women have the best possible birth experience, he was in it for the money. He didn’t care about what the mother wanted, or what was in her best interest not just for that pregnancy and delivery, but for any future pregnancies and deliveries she would experience.


All it takes is one bad experience and that can damage a woman in ways that she may not even realize. Whether it’s a rough exam during labor that causes a stall that leads to a C-section, or an unnecessary C-section that leads to complications post-partum or with a subsequent pregnancy, labor and delivery. Any one of those things can scar a woman either physically or emotionally, and she may never be able to overcome that injury. There is a palpable hostility in the labor and delivery wing, and it becomes more pronounced in direct proportion to the level of assertion and education the woman has and exercises in regard to her right to have the kind of labor and birth experience she wants, rather than submitting to what the doctor and nurses feel is best.


If a woman has already had one C-section, her options are that much more limited. The medical community in Des Moines does not look fondly on VBAC (Vaginal Birth After Cesarean). There is only one hospital in town that even allows a woman to try for a VBAC, and because of the monitoring that they require she is stuck in a bed on her back. She is not allowed the freedom of movement necessary for birth to progress, and is unfortunately moving towards another C-section. At this time, a woman’s best bet for a successful VBAC is to get on with the midwives at the University of Iowa hospital in Iowa City, and hope that one of the local Des Moines midwives can assist with her prenatal care so she doesn’t have to drive two hours each way to her appointments. It of course helps if that woman was a previous patient of a Des Moines midwife, but I don’t think it’s a deal breaker if she wasn’t. Thankfully the University midwives are all too aware of the sad state of birthing options in Des Moines, and are willing to work with women and their Des Moines based care providers.


Being the capital city, I would think that Des Moines, with its three large metro hospitals or West Des Moines with its two brand new hospitals, would be better equipped to monitor a mother trying for VBAC in a way that she could actually have a chance of being successful. Perhaps it’s not a lack of ability, but a lack of desire to want to help a woman in that situation. A successful VBAC will not make as much money for the hospital, and requires the doctor to be available throughout the woman’s entire labor so he can “deliver” the baby when it’s time. If a woman is denied a VBAC, then a C-section is scheduled when it’s convenient for the doctor, and there is additional revenue for the hospital because a surgical delivery costs on average $2000 more than a vaginal birth (patient cost after basic insurance).


For all the people out there that say, “What’s the big deal? It’s just a C-section.” Let me remind you that it is not “just” a C-section, it is major abdominal surgery, and it’s not a small incision either. It is at least five inches long, and the surgeon typically uses approximately twenty staples to hold the incision closed.


Not only are they cutting through the abdominal wall (your core muscles), but they are also cutting open an organ that is primarily muscle and has stretched to five times its normal size. That’s a lot of scar tissue that has to stretch again for any subsequent pregnancies which, in turn, are limited in number and further complicated, as well as classified as high risk, simply because of that first C-section.


If you have ever had a scar in a place where it stretches or bends even a little, you know how uncomfortable and even painful that can be. Now imagine that pain and discomfort as a constant for nine months.


Yeah, doesn’t sound like a lot of fun does it?


So if it could be avoided by not forcing a C-section on a woman because there’s someplace the doctor needs to be in an hour, it’s Christmas Eve, or Thanksgiving day and she has stalled at seven centimeters, don’t you think it would be worth it to let her work through it?


You can’t become an obstetrician and expect to have banker’s hours or a banker’s income. That’s not the way nature works.


You want banker’s hours, and to be where the money is, be a banker not a baby catcher.

We Were On A Break

I'm not sure if you noticed , but I haven't posted for a realllly long time. I took a job posting for a local television station on their website. A few months ago, they decided to discontinue the local blogger section of the site because it didn't attract enough traffic. I managed to get a few followers on the site, and since that blog is no longer active, they have been wondering where I went.

I'm moving all of those old posts over to this blog, and will hopefully be better about posting.

If you are one of my uLocal readers, and have found your way here, welcome, and thanks for reading!

Where’s My Band-Aid? (What They Didn’t Tell You During The Welcome To Motherhood Seminar)

We, as mothers, are a special group of creatures. We are no longer fully human, and we (in most cases) are no longer ever alone. Even when we are not in the physical presence of our children, they are always with us. ALWAYS. Don’t believe me? Ask a mother who has lost a child. Regardless of whether the loss was a first trimester miscarriage, full term still birth, infant death, or death at any age due to terminal illness or tragic accident, that mother will tell you that she will forever carry her child in her heart, and on her soul.

The ability to find a balance between all parts of life is something every Mum struggles with and usually never achieves. Mums are often their own harshest critics, and while others may think a Mum is doing a great job, she will find a fault or flaw in her performance every time. She can (and will) try to be all things to all people, but in the end she is shorting everyone, including herself. Before long everyone starts feeling the effects of an overworked mother and that’s when the Mum Guilt really kicks in.

The guilt, ahh the sweet, sweet guilt. That may actually be the hardest thing to deal with as a Mum. Do you know there are actually shits out there that think that working Mums are selfish, and that every Mum should stay home with her children? That if someone can't afford to stay home with their offspring, they shouldn't have them, and what's worse is that these idiots take it one step farther and actually tell working Mums this rubbish. Talk about guilt. As if a Mum doesn't have enough guilt of her own in the first place, now she has some wanker telling her that her decision to bear children was selfish and her choice to go back to work to help pay the bills was selfish as well. Then there are the people who tell stay home Mums that they should go out and get a real job because they need to buy everything under the sun for their child, and they are a bad parent if they tell their child "No". Mums are bombarded on a daily basis with guilt from outside forces, from their children, and whether they realize it or not, from their spouses as well, and it often seems that you can’t win for losing. You're damned if you do and damned if you don’t.

We are conditioned to think that to be a good Mum; we HAVE to be everything to everyone. That we have to do it all perfectly, without complaint, and damnit you better have a big happy smile on your face the whole time. Well, it’s time to wake up and realize that the reason Donna Reed and June Cleaver were so complacent all the time is because they were self medicating with a bottle of red, a bottle of white, and a few gin and tonics in the kitchen while they were fixing dinner.

Mums have to be the caretaker for the whole family. They have to be there to pick everyone up when they fall, Band-Aid in hand, arms ready for the soothing hug and pat on the back. But who's there to pick Mum up when she stumbles? In most cases, no one. Some women are lucky to have a very supportive husband, or a Mum of their own who is there for them, but a lot of women don't have that.

That's when your friends show who they really are. Every Mum needs a strong circle of women to support her. To pick her up, put the Band-Aid on the injury, and tell her she’s going to be ok. To tell her it’s alright to call the nanny, and go off on a shopping trip or to the library or the movies by herself. That yes, it’s ok to not love every bloody minute of being a Mum, and that no matter how much you love your children, they are still people with personalities of their own, and that as such, there is no way you could possibly be happy with them at all times.

My daughter and I clash on a regular basis. She may only be five, but she has a definite personality, and it does not mesh well with mine. I came to terms with the shouted accusation that I’m a “mean Mum” a long time ago. That doesn't make it hurt any less, but I know that someday she will be the mean Mum, and she’ll look back on her childhood and realize that I really wasn’t that mean after all. That someday, in the future, her daughter will be reflecting on her childhood and thinking the same thing. At least that’s what I tell myself, so I have the strength to get through her third meltdown of the day because I wouldn’t buy her the shiny/sparkly/pretty/though ultimately useless piece of plastic that she suddenly can’t live without.

So, for all you struggling Mums, hang in there. I’d like to say it will get better, but I honestly don't know if it will. I've only been doing this for five years, so the jury is still out at my house. I think it changes as they age. It becomes a different dance. Not really better or worse, easier or harder, just different. All I can do is hope I can learn the steps fast enough so I don’t stumble and fall, because I'm fresh out of Band-Aids.